the font is too small

I don’t know where I’m going with this. That’s sometimes (or perhaps, oftentimes) not the best way to begin anything, but spontaneity proved itself successful in my life before whether I was writing a post without direction or bringing home a friend for a last-minute sleepover back in…what was it, 9th grade? okay yeah so…anywAY,

Last “night,” I slept at roughly 4 A.M. because I had to catch up in all the daily tasks I didn’t do daily the past week–which defeats the purpose of doing any of those tasks at all. Those tasks are supposed to teach self-discipline. They’re small, but meant to be consistent–and I, while knowing they will do nothing but benefit me if I perform them properly, just watched the hours go by on the clock occupying myself with things that should have been done later.

And this is no new trend in my life, unfortunately.

Aside from that and the headache that’s currently ensuing most likely from staring at a screen and accomplishing close to nothing today, school starts in about–oh my God that’s less than I thought–two weeks.

I love school, I really do. And I’m pretty sure my friends make/made fun of me for it, but you know what? It gives me something to do. I get to learn stuff and am forced off my seat and out the house. I get to do things, walk places, and talk to people and that doesn’t happen enough in the summer. I’ve given up on making plans with people because too many times that road led to disappointment, and now I wonder if the texts and the calls and the emails from the other end of the friendships will come. If they do, I usually read them as those “wish we could hang out but not really because i’m too busy for you” pity messages–or maybe not even pity messages but more like, “there, i’m holding up my end of this friendship because i replied to you saying i miss you but i can’t tell you what days i’m free right now just in case something comes up” or worse–“i’m free thursday afternoon!” which is cool until Wednesday 5 A.M. or Thursday noon, and something actually does come up destroying yet another of those poorly-planned plans.

And now I’m rambling because no one is listening, and my head still hurts.

I realize I’m most likely taking these non-personal things personally–which is ridiculously stupid and a waste of my time and energy and ability to think and write.

But hey, I haven’t written anything on this thing that I like for 18 days. So, apparently I needed something to write about.

Or maybe I needed to reflect.

which i do through writing once in a while, and i wonder if i’ll regret making this a public post later, but…who still writes with a pencil in a college-ruled journal, right?

College-ruled.

Yeah, college ruled. I mean rules. Still rules. Because I have one year left until college ruled instead of rules. Once I get to say college ruled, I don’t know if I’ll be able to ever say work rules or moving away from home rules or this guy rules or marriage rules or that baby rules or

My head still hurts, and now it’s spinning too fast, and everything looks blurry and the font is too small on this wp-admin page, oh. i took off my glasses.

i know one thing, the only Certainty that’s out there for me besides death:

God Rules.

——

I wanted to end with “God Rules,” but had to throw in that abandoning grammar restrictions is quite freeing, and I had “fun” with this post, despite hitting the blue publish button on the side in a state of confusion. I should be able to get my thoughts at least a little more organized later in the week, if the God Who Rules wills. 

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4 thoughts on “the font is too small

  1. I just wanted to say that I totally get this. I completely understand what you mean. About the friendship thing, in Arabic, it’s called uzuma mirakbiya- an empty invitation/offer to come over. Yea, i’d love to see you, but I don’t really mean it, basically. People have done that to me tons of times, and eventually, I started doing it myself. I probably won’t as much anymore.. this post is a good wake up call. Cuz it doesn’t feel nice to be pushed over like that. Anyway, just wanted to let you know that i’m listening. :)

    • Thanks so much, Du’aa. That means a lot! :) I know I used to do the whole “I miss you sort of not really” thing before too, and I’m being extra careful now to make sure I only say it when I mean it.

      Uzuma mirakbiya–quite interesting there’s a phrase for it in Arabic. I don’t know if that’s a good or a bad thing, though.

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